Filed under: communication, complaints, confession, decisions, friendship, happiness, hindsight, life, love, relationships, relfections, thoughts, truth, women
I hear the
Splash
Of a big kid jumping into an even
Bigger pool
And I’m brought back to better times
Things are going well
But that’s only my sentiment
Because I’m not paying that much attention
I dumped my bag of words
All over your head
Like a coach after a victory
You’re showering in my thoughts
And you’ll dance in my shower so long as my
Words don’t creep inside your hollow
Hollow ears.
My words got inside your hollow
Hollow head
And now we’re not on speaking terms.
I think we’re okay so long as our noses only touch when we kiss. I think our noses touch too much. I never really much liked my nose until about a year ago when that piece of cork was suspended from it. Since then I’ve had a bit more respect about myself. Taking pride in our flaws permits growth and that’s what I’ve needed to do for quite some time now. Grow. Now my nose is a dressed up version of another woman’s. From what I understand she was pretty impressive before I came around- as most women tend to be. If you want to keep that level of impressiveness I’d advice you against falling asleep with your nose against mine. It’s all downhill from there.
Filed under: complaints, culture, friends, homosexuality, honesty, life, thoughts, women | Tags: lesbians
Lesbians
are obsessed with art, photography, painting, poetry, obscure literature, writing, folk guitar, acoustic music, coffee shops, nature, astrology, their vaginas, other vaginas
Orgasms
cuddling, fighting the patriarchy, bending gender norms, politics, their 938472 cats and/or dogs, and most importantly trying to seem radically different from every other lesbian which also leads to their obsession with irony because
They’re all the fuckin same.
I browse through things that nobody needs on top of a cloudy nation that tells me to cut my own hair to be different. I don’t like their subconscious feed and change the channel. I’m going somewhere new in a pilgrimage of sorts. She told me what she really meant once during a religious experience. She put her bed on the floor. ‘Fuck the frame’ so I’m on a plane. I use the space under my bed for storage. Maybe one day I’ll put our pictures under there. I’m writing on something that a future passenger may see essential to throw away. Some guilt follows me because of this but I’ve really needed to clear that oversized head of mine for quite some time now. This is my public apology to those with weak stomachs. For a paycheck or two, degrading on how demeaning your job is, you can buy an entire couch for your dog and lose my respect all in one swift card swipe. For slightly less you could even brand that roasting animal tissue that you call dinner with your initials. To prove my disgust I’d probably use this tool to brand your testicles in your sleep. Who is the sick one here? I can’t tell.
Filed under: confession, friends, friendship, hindsight, relationships, relfections, secret, thoughts, truth
Sometimes I miss you so much I think my heart might explode.
In fact, sometimes I picture just that action.
A dub but no preceding lub
My ventricles
They swell with blood
And I know my valves fail on me because
Sometimes I miss you so much my heart
Explodes.
But I’ll always come to my senses
Really, it’s not that big of a deal
Irrational
I try not to be so I realize:
My heart will keep beating
Just like it has for the past two decades
My heart will keep beating without fail
All day every day. You can’t
Make me explode.
I realize:
You can’t make
Me.
Filed under: change, happiness, happy, hindsight, life, love, relationships, relfections, thoughts, women
I wrapped my hand around the side of her neck. My icy fingers were comforted by the heat she emitted. That would be the last form of comfort I’d ever receive from her. My lips brushed against the edges of her ear the exact manner she had taught me months earlier. “I love you and if you want me to stop, then I will.” Not that she was going to, but she had no time to respond. The orchestra violently started to play. She bought me dinner and brought me home. It was the cleanest break that could possibly come from a situation so messy. She wanted me to stop- so I did. I believe it to be the best thing I’ve ever done for either of us.
The (simple and incredibly satisfying) End.
Filed under: thoughts
In the moment I decide to live
Another just doesn’t.
And I don’t need your alcohol to feel
This fucked up
It just comes naturally to someone
Like me and I think that maybe if I wasn’t so
Displaced I might just feel
Safe.
She says
‘I love you’ to me.
Whenever I need it
Wherever I need it
She will say ‘I love you’ to me
Just about on command.
Like a magician I simply need to
Point my wand in her direction and the words simply
Fall out from between her teeth.
‘I love you’.
And every time she says it
It’s like I’m hearing it for the first time.
‘I love you’
Any wound is bandaged and nursed
And covered and healed when she says
‘I love you’ to me.
And she makes me think that
Maybe I’m not so displaced
Because she almost makes me feel safe
When she says
I love you.
Filed under: change, complaints, happiness, hindsight, honesty, life, love, relationships, relfections, thoughts, truth
I don’t listen to songs anymore. Just talkers, words, poets, thoughts, minds out loud. I just don’t listen to songs anymore. I’ve heard the songs. They’ve all been played. And so have I. But I can’t listen to silence so I’ll settle for the mindless jabber of anyone just so long as they aren’t singing to a tune. Every tune has a memory and I don’t care for my memories anymore.
Filed under: change, decisions, hindsight, life, love, relationships, thoughts, women
It’s all fluid. Our thoughts, feelings, sexuality, emotions, and most importantly in this story, gender.
He has a girlfriend. End of story, final punctuation mark, close the book- this man has a girlfriend and if you watched our interaction you’d think it was me. It was me. His new girlfriend is someone I cared about and often I feel guilty when I realize how much we flirt. When I realize he still has feelings for me and touches me in ways that I know she’d be uncomfortable with, I feel bad for the new girlfriend. When we hug hello he adjusts his head so the space between his nose and chin can graze my neck. I then listen to him inhale my epithelium as we often did when together. When we hug goodbye he holds on like this hug could very well be our last. I then feel him grab at my clothes like it’d make the hug mean more. I feel culpable when he makes advances that scream intimacy. I’d have killed him if he had done this to another girl while we were together- but when I think about it, he did. I’d normally be an advocate for recycling but in this case it just seems cruel.
I confessed my guilt to him one day. He couldn’t seem to comprehend. I told him that I felt bad for flirting with him when his girlfriend used to be a friend of mine. He told me not to worry about it because she didn’t seem to care about me when she made a move on him, so why should i? I’m not interested in playing that game. Anyone with logic like that doesn’t deserve the attention of one girl, let alone two. Following that, I made a deal with myself. Every time I speak to him from now on I owe five dollars to an organization that I greatly dislike. It is hoped that through this the both of us will be able to move on. If it doesn’t help us move on I can at least guarantee you that the NRA will not be monetarily supported by Jeanine Foley, no matter what.
Tonight I know she won’t be sleeping alone. She’ll be bit, licked, kissed, and wrapped up until she finally passes out. She’ll whisper ‘I love you too baby’ and they’ll enjoy their shared apartment. I’ll be sleeping. She’ll pretend to forget my name and she’ll try not to check up on me. She’ll go back acting like nothing has changed. I’ll pretend to forget my name and I’ll try not to check up on me either. I’ll go back to acting like nothing has changed. She’ll fake that she’s ok and so will I. We’ll play this game of charades until on a particularly lonely moment we’ll go out of our way to see what is new with the other. We’ll likely be either disappointed or hurt and regret straying from the beaten path. We’ll promise ourselves not to do it ever again, or in the very least not for a little while as to prevent ourselves from appearing obsessive. Obsessive, the way she described the manner in which she checks this website.
Or maybe we’ll play this game of charades until on an exceptionally hysterical night I’ll call her because I know she will be one of the few people that are guaranteed to make me feel better when I’m down. I’ll come home from crying over someone that isn’t worth of my tears and she will convince me that that’s true. She’ll leave the bedroom with her girlfriend to comfort me, when I deserve so much less than that. She’ll leave her girlfriend to make me stop crying about someone who has made her cry.
We’ve been trying to forget and move on for months now. It hasn’t worked. Whether that’s entirely my fault or not I’m not so sure, but I’m willing to take the blame because, inside and out, she’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with.
Filed under: friends, friendship, life, love, relationships, thoughts, women
Today was bad but I know that tomorrow will only be so much worse. I’m exhausted but refuse to let myself sleep for fear of waking up tomorrow and this not having been a dream.
What did I ever do to you to deserve this? I feel live I’ve been here before. Maybe it’s because I have. I just don’t know who to trust anymore. Please tell me that this is all just a bad dream.
Filed under: thoughts
I’m a pretty passive person. When she yelled at me, belittled me, and told me to never speak to her again, I just said ‘okay’. When she threw something at me out of anger, I just stood there unresponsive. When I heard her yelling through the walls to the police on the phone, I didn’t get out of bed. When she stormed into the bedroom and cursed at me, I hardly turned my head. A lot can happen around me and I probably won’t elicit a response.
I’d like to imagine that I have enough self control to prevent myself from fighting back with those irrational enough to pick fights. I thought that I was a pretty calm person last night. I was brashly accosted by a few individuals and remained entirely mellow and placid. I was composed and balanced when you were not. I was unruffled up until the moment you raised your voice to her.
The second that your sharp words shot out of your mouth like arrows in her direction, my effortlessly beating heart began to pound. As I literally watched my chest shake with each heart beat I noticed my legs trembling with rage. I cut in and yelled at you. Calm no more, my voice quivered and the next thing I knew I was cursing and screaming like everyone else. I was up and on edge. Nobody should ever talk to her like that. I suddenly became very aware of my throat. My hands and legs were shaking. I got worked up and I yelled and I cursed at you and you somehow questioned why I defended her. “You two aren’t together”, you yelled at us as if it wasn’t something we had thought about the entire day before. I never get worked up like that for anybody, but I did for her. I defend her because I love her. How could anybody possibly not understand that at this point?
And now? Well now the weekend is coming to a close. I’ve ended several relationships in the past two days and only one of them I can’t seem to get out of my mind. Solely a single relationship that I have destroyed is affecting the simple things in my daily life. All I want to do is sleep and that is the last thing I can do. I couldn’t possibly care less about eating, getting out of bed, or doing school work.
I believe this is what they call karma.
