j9

Are there any thoughts

That run through your head

That aren’t accusations, negative,

Hateful, hopeful that you’re

Not the one to blame.

But you’re so, so, so much better

Than everyone else.

After all, you’re a libertarian

And we all know that libertarians

Are smarter, more pompous versions of

Those silly redneck republicans

Those immature dreamland liberals

And those even worse socialists.

But to me? You’re all the fuckin same.

Trying to make an enemy out of me

Trying to fill me up with complexes you

Heard in a book once. A disease you worry

Is actually going on inside yourself.

So you throw them at me like knives they stick

To the wall behind me, under my arms and next to my face.

You’ve almost cut me.  But I’ll always get away.

The world should learn that by now.

I always get away.

And it seems to me that more than anything that you might need-

You need to get far far away.

It was the day before Thanksgiving. I was on the beach after bar hopping with a few friends. The stars were brighter than I had seen in quite a few months. After talking for an hour or so we decided to test out the water. The barefoot walk to the waterline was cold enough, but the second my toes touched the Gulf I let out a shrill and she suggested we go swimming. “It’s freezing!” I exaggerated. She replied with a blank face and didn’t need to say ‘so what’ for me to get the idea. “I’ll only go in if you go in without your clothes on. We both know that’s what I’m doing and I’m not doing it alone.” “I’m not taking my clothes off,” she said as if it was something I hadn’t already seen. “Alright,” so I turned around and started to walk further on shore. She followed, stretching her little legs to exact my stride and have her feet land where mine had a second prior. Obviously displeased with my response she whined, “Come onnnnn…don’t you want to make memories with me? This might be the last time we ever hang out!” I quickly turned around, which led to quite a comical collision. After orienting ourselves I clearly established that I had enough memories of her and needed no more.

“I’ll see you up there,” he said.  His old body stood alone a good four feet from her as he spoke.  I don’t think he expected her to actually hear him- she never really was that good at hearing.  I was never really that good at listening but I heard him quite clearly.  I sat on a chair not quite big enough for two with two people sandwiching me in.  Crossed legged and glazed over in the most natural way I watched with everything but my eyes.  His glasses were thick and boxy- like the rest of him.  They obscured actually getting a glimpse into his eyes, which I believe to be his intent when buying them.  He seemed more upset than I was expecting and I don’t think he really cared if she heard him.  The statement was really more for himself.  This way he didn’t actually have to say goodbye- it was more of a ‘see ya later’. I can’t blame him.  I myself used the same tactic a few weeks prior.  At the time I didn’t know if I was lying either.  I really thought I’d get to see her and I think he still feels the same way.  I wonder how differently we would act if we knew how frequently we lie to ourselves.

“Hi, thanks for coming,” the social coordinator boomed.  Like a mindless parrot, her eyes didn’t move and she never had an appropriate reaction for the given situation.  Her bright red lipstick made her words stand out even further- as if it was necessary for them to ever make any type of a stand.  She showed no emotion other than distrust the entire day and with every “hi, thanks for coming” a small tick was made on my brain, tallying up just how much I disliked her.  I continued to stare at the busy carpet with no thoughts running through my mind.  It was a scene right out of Harold and Maude.  You could practically see through my eyes straight into my brain.  You probably could even count the tally marks yourself if you looked hard enough.

“…starting with the youngest,” he said as we stood there unmoved.  If you looked in my eyes at that moment you’d read a scrolling message across my brain: ‘how about starting with the ones that care the least instead.’  I certaintly wouldn’t be at the front of the line then.  Somehow my legs unbuckled and I gave up my offering.  My nose and I went back to our spot and completely unaware of our surroundings we stood and sniffled until instructed otherwise.  I didn’t know who was around me or what was going on other than what was directly in front of me.  I hated the sight of what was directly in front of me.  We aren’t much for emotions but that day I don’t think we could have helped it.

I don’t know what they said after that.  I walked out into the miserable weather where I stood with a miserable look on my face.  Everyone ran into their cars to evade the cold and the wet but I stood and I watched.  The sky was grey, the ground was wet, the traffic was loud.  A couple of bundled up women passed me.  They saw the tears in my eyes and offered up a half smile.  They wouldn’t have if it wasn’t for the boys walking out in that moment.  Shortly thereafter the precession left and there was nothing to be said.  Music filled the space between our ears and after breaking the law more than once we were well on our way.