j9

Is it bad if I wish it or is it worse if I don’t?  We had expectations and, as they often do, they got to the best of us.  The more we didn’t live up to them the more they seemed to matter.  I feel like I’m on the verge of something.  Soon I’ll be living again, but not quite like before.  I can’t let this end like it used to.  I’m being taught patience.  I’m being taught how it feels to settle.  I’m playing the waiting game and just trying to keep it clean.  I don’t think we ever really change, but I know that we are capable of growing.  It’s finding that balance that seems prevalent right now.

I’m waiting to be inspired.  I’m waiting.  If only you would inspire me more than this craziness in a bottle.  “I guess I think my days out on the run are coming to an end.”  At some times I think you inspire me more than words can express.  At other times I think you’re just like the rest.  I’m not sure I’ll ever find someone who truly understands just what I planet I’m from.  I’m so tired of beginnings and even more sick of ends.  If I could, I’d end this now but I know more than you do just how little control I have over this all.

Sometimes I think I’d be best suited to live in the woods.  To live among the trees and animals from which we separate ourselves.  Sometimes I think that’s where I’d be best understood.

I don’t know what her face looks like and I’m probably better off.  The last time I saw her I focused more on her hands.  It was the only skin I could see that didn’t look dead.  Aged with sun spots and as knobby as you could make them, her hands held flowers that she’d call beautiful if she had noticed that they were there.  Her fingernails were painted the palest color of pink and, seemingly glued on, her wedding ring shined an announcement of love that lived on in the life around her.  She wore a purple outfit that I thought looked very out of place- but I’m not the type to say these sorts of things so I kept my mouth shut.  She apparently loved it, which makes me question her judgment and I suppose my own because I often wear her clothes.

“When I was a boy,” he announced, “I used to dream of having a wonderful life with a beautiful woman.  Now that I’m older I dream of having anything at all.”  He let his love run free after a whiskey double got him into the bed of another woman.   When he smiles you can’t see it quite like you used to.  Others would attribute it to his thick beard that has grown in long since he last kissed his wife goodbye.  His beard fills his face where personality used to.  He lost his love and his mind all in the same evening, he’s told me a billion times over.  It may have been nearly a decade ago but if you didn’t know any better this man would make you think it had been but a month.  He keeps a picture of her in his wallet.  It’s faded and torn at the edges.  ‘Well loved’ is what they’d call the photo if it were for sale in the classifieds.  Well loved is what he’d call himself when he was allowed to feel her warmth.  Now he just calls for the bartender.

“Another”, as he lifted up his beer, “…and one of whatever this pretty girl is having.  She’s a good listener.”  I could tell by the the look in the bartenders eyes that this wasn’t the first time this old man has wrangled in an unsuspecting ear.  He looked at me and raised his head in a questioning manner to make sure I was okay.  I nodded to the bartender, ensuring him that I was in fact a good listener.

LieLieLieLie all we ever do is lie. We lie to each other we lie to ourselves we lie to the ones we say we love. If any of us ever actually told the truth we wouldn’t know how to respond to one another. I’ve been watching a lot of children’s television lately, mostly for the moralistic values they implant in my head. “Think happy thoughts” the characters sing advice for when you can’t fall asleep. They say to think happy thoughts, to be nice to your friends, not to bite your friends (very valuable information), and to have parties in your tummies. I’m not really sure what that last one is suggesting but I’ll just assume it means to eat well. As I go through my day I sing these songs in my head and although I didn’t originally intend for the effects to impact my day, they actually are and I couldn’t be more glad. Everything will be different when I return. A brand new life. I don’t need to move to a new city to start a new chapter. I’m learning to cut out the bad and only put effort in towards the good people in my life. Perhaps a lesson learned too late in life, I am just glad to have it at all.
I’ve also learned to follow my instincts. If the girl you are seeing says one thing but you feel another its more likely than not that shes lying. Or maybe its just the girls that I’ve dated. I feel like I’ve been deceived a lot in the past- perhaps because I myself have done a lot of deceiving. Luckily for me everything will be different when I return and life will be as it shall be. Simple, happy, peaceful. New starts do a body good.

“God speed, save lives.” And the engine took off. There are people crying, the sirens cry through the air, and soon so will this sleeping baby. I’m not much for comforting but I’ll give it my best. It’s easy to fall in love when you don’t love yourself and someone else is willing to do your dirty work for you. I have such a hard time finding someone to love because I’ve learned not to settle. Shes finally gone I can sigh in relief thank the earth and stars my life is finally at peace… shes finally gone…shes finally gone. And I’ve finally arrived. I’ve grown up to be someone I used to hate so I try today to not be too opinionated. I watch mostly, these days. I watch and wait for something worth jumping for. I’m not easily excited, even keeled they might say. The world is broken down into two types of people. The even keeled and extreme. One kind, the former, doesn’t get too excited but also hardly gets too upset. The latter has their highest of highs and sadly lowest of lows. After 2 or so years I’ve learned that when your highest is that high it seems fake and I told her that right off the bat. If you fall in love with every person you date it hardly makes it seem authentic. But she said she really felt the love every time and to me she was a liar. Now I’ve come to realize she wasn’t lying to me but rather her foolish brain lied to her even more foolish heart.
But now the baby is awake and crying for his mother. I’m not that person but his mother used to be mine in a sense.  I don’t think I could do that for someone, but then again I am what I used to hate.  So now I’ll just watch and keep my mouth shut until I meet someone worth loving.