J9

I do this all of the time. As much as I know better, I always surround my life around one person. I know it is wrong and I know that I shouldn’t do it, but it seems to be one of those habits that are a bit harder to kick. There is always someone else. Usually this is referring to romantic relationship; however, does not necessarily have to apply in that way, especially in my own personal experiences. I feel as though there is always someone else in everyone’s life. I guess I cannot expect there not to be, but really I was kind of hoping that maybe in one person’s life I could be that other person. The other person means a lot. The other person is important and the other person influences the life of someone. I wish that I was that important to someone, anyone really. While I am wishing that I was this important to someone else, I am also able to recognize that more importantly I should be that important to myself.

More or less I am simply mad at myself. I know better than to circle my life around one person. I have been hurt by it more than once before, and undoubtedly will be hurt by it again. I am narrowly escaping this now, but it’s pathetic that I would even have to worry about such situations. Friends come and go, but you are the only person who will always be there for yourself. So, I figure that it might be in my best interest to befriend myself. The problem here is that I try to befriend people who make me a better person. People who influence me a cambiar para ser mejor. So, the obvious problem presents itself that I need to change to be a better person, thus influencing myself to be better. If that makes sense at all.

I have a hard time making sense out of anything these days, especially myself.

This doesn’t feel right to me.

It is what we think we are supposed to do

But not really what we want to do

Maybe it is what he wanted to do

But I wanted nothing to do with it

Or him

Or any of this

But I think that it is what I am supposed to do

So I do it anyway.

I want to wake you up. I want to open your eyes. I don’t want to be condescending, but I want you to realize, actualize and recognize. I want you to love and I want you to hurt. I want you to feel. I want only the best for you. I want you to learn from my mistakes and never make them yourself. I want you to make mistakes of your own. I want you to learn from those mistakes as well. I want you to recognize that there is no other way to life. I want so much for you and I want you so much. I want you to be happy and I want to be a part of that. I want to know who you are and how I can get to know you better. I want to know where you are and how I can see you better. For you, I want everything to be better.

Who am I talking about?

Everyone.

More often than not I feel like I am merely drifting through life. A spectator at best, I wonder if that is all I ever will amount to. It seems as if my life has taken on a life of its own and I am simply sitting back, resting my head on my hand and watching this individual actor that is my life. I am so passive at times that I wonder if I am really alive. I have seriously caught myself touching my chest to feel my heart beat as reassurance that I am in fact still living. Not much seems to affect me like it does others. People get excited over the pop culture that surrounds us, and to me, it couldn’t possibly mean less. Furthermore, my peers and those around me seem to get so involved and encased in their personal lives that it feels like nothing exists outside of that. While I wish I could say that I was different, I am sad to say that there are times when I cannot.

It is interesting to me that we invest so much in one person at any point in our lives. We are always looking, searching like scavengers for that person who you focus so much of your energy and attention on. As egocentric of a culture that we live in, you would expect it to be the other way around. Most of the time, this person is a romantic interest, someone who becomes our boyfriend or girlfriend. Things go south, and they eventually and inevitably become our ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend and we feel cheated. We have invested so much into that one person and put so much value into their existance and they have dropped us, as if nothing that we ever had meant anything to them. The more fourtunate (or not) among us are able to move on quickly and find a new person to focus on, practically ignoring the suggested healing time perscribed with each break up. Again, this is a cycle that we cannot avoid. We are taught at a young age that this is what is to occur.

Life is merely one cycle after another and I for one want to make my own cycle.

While talking with a new friend, I told her that I don’t know if I see myself ever having children. I said this without much thought and it had a “that’s just the way it is” tone to it. I was hardly expecting her jaw to drop in shock and was shocked myself when she squealed, “WHAT? REALLY?” She could not get over the idea of a girl actually not wanting to have children. No, I did not say it out of disbelief that I would ever find someone to have a child with, nor did I say it out of a deep hatred for children. I just don’t see it necessary. I hope to have a life that is fufilling and not have to make another human being in order to fill some void that I might have. If I have some type of a void that needs to be filled, I hope that I will be able to fill it myself.

But… maybe I’m just a self sufficient kinda girl.

“Maybe if I sober up I will stop pretending that love is forever.”

I understand, and I repsect, and I am compassionate and I recognize the hardship of others. I take the bullshit and I take the lies. I accept the excuses and I embrace the ignorance and the disrespect. I endure so much from everyone and I get nothing back. Above all, I feel like I am invisible.

Why?

“It starts with a flood and it ends with a trickle”

Recently I have had many things to be very happy about and a few things to be very sad about. The conflict of these two opposing feelings has left me with nothing to feel but numb, and this numbness has been the motivation of my recent actions. It’s an addiction and I feel like I need to do it again. I have no doubt that I will, seeing as how I already have.

“There’s always some reason to feel not good enough.”

We all have too much bagage anymore.

I never listen to advice.

Conventional has a negative connotation. Crying is healing. Healing is empowering. I hate going to sleep in an empty room. I hate waking up in a room with others, but I think that could change with you. I don’t drink coffee, but like the smell. I look down upon smoking, but with you couldn’t care less and am willing to accept any other quirk you have that I would otherwise deem inappropriate. Sometimes it is necessary to lie, but only when it doesn’t matter. I suppose that would not make it necessary then, now would it? Honesty is horribly important and horribly hard to come by these days. Normally, I find myself wanting to be dishonest with those that I am interested in. With you it is different. With you everything is different. With you, I am different. I like different. I like you. I would like to spend time with you. Even just as friends. You seem like the type of person I would like to be around. Make me feel accepting of myself but at the same time make me feel like I want to be more, better, who knows anymore… I love how I’m totally making this entirely up off of assumptions. We never have actually spoken at any length, we never have hung out. You practically ignore my e-mails. (I pretend that you just don’t get them.) I am too selfless and get hurt by it, but I don’t care mainly because I am so selfless. It’s disgusting.

There’s always somebody else. We can’t expect there not to be anymore. We are past the age of firsts, but with this I am not. I’m not normally like this. You deserve to know this. You are doing this to me. It’s fantastic to see what kind of power someone can have on me. Then I get to thinking that perhaps my thinking is too radical this time around. Perhaps I have gone off too far. Maybe this is even out of my realm of acceptance. Nope. Underneath it all we are just people. I love people. I don’t love a certain age group, or ethnicity, gender or socioeconomic status. Take away all of those labels and when it comes down to it we are all just people and we are all just capable of one thing. Loving. You can love someone else. Just so long as you love someone, I will support you (even in cases such as this one where I was wishing you were thinking about me more than this other girl).

I’d also like to discover how I am infatuated with this new person, and just a few posts back it was someone else. I am not interested in anyone for months and then in a two week period I find myself attracted to two different people, both of which have girlfriends? What kind of universe is this?

But… I always ask for it.

Some people are fascinated with others, others with themselves and others still with various elements of life. I think that it is hard to find a fascination. At least, I am having problems finding one. I feel like I have been merely pushed through life without really being given the opportunity to just sit and think. Maybe we all are. In fact, I think I will be so bold as to say that we all undoubtedly are pushed through life in such a manner. We are told to get an education, a job, married, have kids and do everything that we can so that we can monetarily support our children as they follow the same pathway. Eventually our children grow up, and then they have children. This vicious cycle is what we like to call life and for most that is satisfactory, fulfilling even. I find it hard to believe that not many people really want to stray from the path, whip out their machete and make their own roadway through the jungle that is life. Those are the people who make a difference. There are so few people who actually make a difference.

But damn its cold so I’ll put down my sleeve. I don’t care if it gets blood on it, in fact, I don’t care much about anything these days…

Is it bad that I want to know everything? I want to know every nuance, every flaw and every quirk. I want to know all of the dislikes and pet peeves so I can avoid all of those things. What is your favorite color? Where were you born? Where do you want to live? Who is your best friend? What do you do on a daily basis? How can I become a part of that routine? What exactly is it that makes you happy and how can I become a part of that as well? How do you feel about your family? What is your issue? What is your deep dark secret? Everybody has one. Don’t pretend that you don’t. How do you act when you are out of your element? What do you do when you are in a room full of people that you do not know? What do you do when you are in a room full of people that you do know? What do you do when you are in a room alone? What room would you prefer? I’d prefer to be in a room with you and only you so that we can talk for hours on end and I’d prefer to not have to do anything else that day. How do you feel about music? People say that they like “all kinds” but what exactly does that entail for you? Can you tolerate weird shit like techno? We might not get along as well as I had hoped. I’m just kidding darling, because it’s horrible but I will fake an interest in this shit if you really like it. You know I am in deep when I’m faking interests over here. You know I’m drowning in this when I am rambling and making no sense like I am right now. You know it is bad when we haven’t hung out in weeks and you have someone else you’d rather hang out with, hell you probably have many people you’d rather hang out with, but I can’t stop wishing for more. The point is…

I’m disgustingly in this

And while I don’t wish that I wasn’t, it sure would be much easier that way.

I want to go to another country with a lot of history just so I can sit on a cobble stone street and hope that beneath the dirt that time has brought I just may be sitting in the same exact spot as someone important once did.

I really wish that you’d tell me your secrets. I know all of your secrets. I just want to know that you feel as though you can confide in me.

I am kind of banking on certain events that will ultimately ruin me. They will turn me into a person I do not particularly admire, a person I do not particularly admire, someone who I normally mock and may even feel sorry for. From this state of feeling on top of the world I will fall. I will fall and be even less of a person than I was previously.

I want to get involved and see my future changing before my eyes. I want to get upset by this and I want to throw it all away. I want to hurt from this. I want to be miserable. I want to be in pain. I want to say I’d do anything to make it go away. I want to feel powerless. I want there to be nothing I can do to make the pain go away.

From all of this I would only grow. I will do the most pathetic of things and potentially loose what little respect my friends have for me. Eventually I will realize that it is time to move on and then will begin to recognize. When I finally do move on I will be a better person. I will have to go through pain and misery to better myself… or is it that I want to go through the pain and misery?

I’m pretty sure I just want to hurt. Afterall it is nice to feel something every oncein a while.

Gut wrenching, want to die, horrible break up.

I’m so apathetic towards life I find it not worth getting out of bed in the morning. I hate these highs and lows I go through. I have no reason to feel this way. I think that this whole feeling girly thing may be just what I need to screw me over into oblivion and maybe I will get my bearings then. I need to fall to come back up. I guess now is the time to fall.