I worry that the best still wouldn’t be enough. I’d love to be someone you are proud of, but I am scared that I would never make it. I sell myself short and don’t even try anymore.
Filed under: college, communication, culture, happiness, honesty, life, relationships, thoughts, truth
Somewhere between Atlanta and Birmingham, I find myself thinking of you. It’s unlikely that you’d cross my mind at a time like this, but you have and there is nothing that I can do about it. I could say all kinds of good things about you, romanticizing about the fun times we could be having together in the present moment, but I won’t get ahead of myself. We haven’t known each other very long, but it already feels like we have gotten ourselves into something here, and I’m not quite sure how I feel about it. We both are just narrowly escaping something messy and it seems as if we have helped pull the other out of what appeared to be situations we should be grateful to be getting away from.
I never like anybody. I like to think of myself as the rock my friends could always depend on to be generally apathetic towards the person I am dating. Well, this rock seems to have turned over a new stone- or whatever that cliché is- because I think I actually like someone, but like I said before I don’t want to get ahead of myself. So for now we will use stupid awkward slang ways of showing our general interest in the other, and when anybody brings up the question if we are a couple I’ll make some obnoxious and unfunny joke that I don’t even know your name. They’ll get the idea and we can go on holding hands undefined. Right now things are hazy but I think in the next few days my thoughts may clear up. Do I actually have feelings or am I just excited by something new?
(I think I have feelings…)
Filed under: college, communication, complaints, dark, earth, friends, life, love, misunderstanding, moon, relationships, thoughts, truth
People generally believe
The moon is symbolic
Dark, alone, quiet
Sad, cry, obscure
I think
I’d like to go to the moon
I’d like to be dark
Alone, quiet, sad
Cry damn it
I want to fucking cry.
I want to fucking cry
On the moon.
And I wonder where my tears would go
Would they stream down my cheeks
Or would they fly away from me
As all my troubles seem to do these days
People generally believe
It is dangerous to be sad
But I think
That it is better to be
Sad
Than be
Nothing
Don’t you?
Vanilla scented candle
With the original intent
Of lighting up my room
When I am alone
And the room is dark
Dark like the moon.
Now I use the candle
To light up the spots
On your body
Where I like to kiss
In a way that would make
Everyone
I know
Horribly fucking uncomfortable.
Possibly so uncomfortable
To the point
That I would loose them.
I am loosing them
But I have gained myself.
Who wins now?
People generally believe
That this isn’t as hard as it really is.
I won’t change their minds
Because it is hard
And I can’t stop thinking
Of how much it will hurt
To be honest.
It hurts
And I’m not even honest.
I’m sorry..
So sorry.
People generally believe
That their actions don’t affect me.
I won’t change their minds
Except on those certain days
When I am able to feel
Dark, sad, alone.
Cry.
And I might hate it
But I will tell you how much
You really matter in my life.
And I will
Cry
On the phone
To you
At four am
Making no sense at all
Because the ones who say they are the best
In that moment were absolutely the worst
And you will tell me to come over
But I won’t
Because the reason this is happening
Is asleep in my bed
So beautiful
And I felt disgusting to feel such resentment towards
Something so beautiful.
After all- I’m just a “fucking bitch” anyway
And I won’t ever forget the sting
In my heart
From your lips spitting those words.
Forgive and forget Jeanine
But I don’t think I can do either
Because I don’t think you really care either way.
So I will be that “fucking bitch”
And never forgive.
But you love me
And I love you.
It is good to be loved by an honest person like you.
The moon sees everything.
But it would never tell.
Please don’t tell the moon
How much it means to me.
I’ll relay the message when I get up there.
