Filed under: thoughts
I just woke up from a dream. Not metaphorically, not like MLK’s dream, but literally a dream that shook me to my core. I cried a lot in this dream and I felt betrayed. I had no right to. This is what happens when we feel things and are not so neutral. When you feel things you cry, at least, that’s what a friend told me. I think the things I text invade my dreams. I’m never texting anybody right before I go to bed again.
A friend of mine and I are very different people. Our differences are superficial things for the most part, and that is one of the many reasons why we get along so well. In relationships we are polar opposites. She is the committed one and I am detached. She would love to spend full days with the person she is dating while I, on the other hand, would rather spend a few hours every other day with “that special person”. We usually date people who act like the other friend and frequently this is why our relationships are rarely successful.
The types of guys that she usually dates are impassive. They will spend a little bit of time with her, but generally are okay to leave her and do their own thing for days without contact. I watch her and I see her get hurt by this. It is almost like they are stringing her along for their own pleasure when it is convenient for them. I hate that about them.
I’d hate to think that I would ever do that to anybody. Don’t let me string you along.
After carefully thinking it through, I am fairly certain I’d like to be sad. I would like to be sad as soon as possible, but really don’t have the time for it. I think this is how people go mad. They get so caught up in their daily lives that they forget to feel anything. Mine consists of studying, tests, vaccinations, tests, detox, busy, busy, busy… It never stops. I’d like to just stop and be sad.
But I don’t have time to be sad. I don’t have time to be anything. So for now I will temporarily relieve this feeling of unrest by writing and when I’m done, I will sit here eating sunflower seeds blankly staring at the computer screen. I will crack open the sunflower seeds and take out their essence for my own consumption. Seems kinda cruel doesn’t it? “Hey,” they’ll tell me, “that’s life!”
