Filed under: alcohol, college, communication, complaints, culture, dark, earth, emo, friends, friendship, happiness, homosexuality, honesty, life, love, misunderstanding, relationships, thoughts, truth
‘I choose my company by the beating of their hearts, not the swelling of their heads.’
Birra Moretti La Rossa tells me that I was used. I was a catalyst and literally nothing more. I can’t wait for you to pretend like I wasn’t. God, it feels so horrible to be used in a way that I saw coming from the beginning. But then again, wasn’t it some other version of Birra Moretti La Rossa that put me in the situation I was when we first kissed? It’s odd how things come full circle like that.
In my best moments I feel alive and, in my worst? In my worst I feel like I do right now.
This is my life lately and I wouldn’t normally admit it but I am feeling shamefully honest right now. Shamefully honest. I am ashamed of the entire last month of my life. I try to block it out, but like the worst parts of a horror movie, January haunts my dreams.
As I type these words I hear another tossing and turning. Perhaps she is dreaming as well. I hope nothing but better dreams for her than I have had in the past month. Shit, it’s been a bad one. I have very high hopes for February. After all, when you have very little going for you, you can only go up.
‘Besides, I’d rather forget the days we spent than try to stay afloat in shallow waters.’
Filed under: thoughts
The adult decisions didn’t work out so well. I’ve regressed and am more of a 14-year-old than I was when I actually was 14. Sickening. I need to remove myself in order to fully replace myself. I’m going away for a while and hopefully that means I will be here more. This makes no sense but I think I finally get it. Thanks
Filed under: thoughts
I’m throwing adult decisions into the mix these days. I’m trying here, so cut me some slack.
Filed under: communication, culture, friends, friendship, happiness, homosexuality, honesty, life, love, relationships, thoughts, truth
I hate the fake bullshit that
We have to play along with
Holding back
Biting our tongues
Playing a certain role
Just
To please
Others.
I hate the fake bullshit that
We have to play along with
When I’d rather play along with
Your hair
And hands
And lips
And by that
I mean all four.
I hate the fake bullshit that
We have to play along
With a long
Gaze or glance or
Look or stare or
Examination
I
Can turn a spark
Into an annihilating blaze.
Destruction of anything you once enjoyed.
I’d like to straddle your heart.
Just skin and adductors and myocardial tissue
I’d pump your heart with my legs
Getting a work-out from your resting heart rate.
This is infecting my everything.
Filed under: college, culture, friends, friendship, happiness, honesty, life, misunderstanding, relationships, secret, thoughts, truth
Considering the recent events, I could be upset. I could be upset, but I’d rather not waste my time. I think I will take situations and put a new spin on them. Recent events have given me hope that despite what so many people say, it is possible for bad people to change. Said events have given me hope for anything. I am surprised by very little after these past few weeks. Perhaps stealing my innocence, 2008 has already changed me in a way that gives me so much hope. If someone who nobody thought was capable of feeling human emotions can claim to be ‘in love’, I have genuine faith that anybody can overcome any emotional barrier. If someone who is known for their harsh and brutally honest demeanor can look me right in the eyes and lie to me in order to spare my feelings, I believe that we all can look out for one another. If someone who is known for being manipulative can say that they love me without questionable motives, I hold out hope that we all can put our negative emotions to better use. I have faith, believe, and hold out hope for better things.
Alright now, stop throwing drama my way, I have a career to study for.
Filed under: alcohol, college, complaints, culture, dark, friends, friendship, honesty, influential, life, love, misunderstanding, relationships, thoughts, truth
I’ll watch the planes come in overhead
From my bedroom window
While I wait
For you.
All I ever do is wait
For “you”.
This is life.
It hasn’t been as good as they said it was going to be.
I’m trying to find myself somewhere in between
This sticky margarita glass
And your sultry soul
These are my late night thoughts.
Play your artificial apparatus
I’ll sit and watch
And think
And feel
And I’m lost
And I’m shocked
Every time I receive
My own words
As if I wasn’t expecting
Anything
Or
Anyone
Else to consider me valid.
Invisible.
It’s painful to read it
And to think of how low
Self opinions can sometimes be.
I guess it’s just dark
Like the marks
You will leave
On my neck
After they leave.
Or like those not on my neck
From my fingers
When I’m not feeling all that well.
Thanks for the company but
I’ve never felt more alone.
Filed under: thoughts
I found myself in a place where people are accepted because of their love, not in spite of it, which seems pretty hard to come by these days. We are told to be accepting of others despite their differences, but it appears to be rather difficult to find someone who actually is able to do that. Where I was, people accepted you, not despite of your differences, but because of them. Everybody was so happy. Smiles were hard to avoid. Could you imagine that? It was incredible, and exactly what I need to remember at a time like this. At a time when my own family is not accepting me because of who I love, I am glad to know that I can escape to this reality.
Anything but hear the voice that says we’re all basically alone.
