Priscilla the bike has been vandalized. She is going to be taken to the bike hospital this weekend and hopefully will have a speedy recovery. She isn’t exactly up for visitors, but if you wish to send cards and/or flowers you can send them to my apartment. Her favorite flowers are daffodils (not surprisingly, they are my favorite as well). She is locked up at the scene of the crime, on the USF campus by Student Health Services. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.
A note to the perpetrator: Live in fear. As noted by my recent demeanor- I apparently don’t get over things easily and am rather vengeful. If you value your legs, I’d skip town. If not, I’ll be seeing you in a dark alley.
Filed under: change, confession, honesty, life, lust, relfections, secret, thoughts, truth
“You know, you’ve really changed me,” he announced. I was already scared for this conversation to go any further.
“I’ve changed you? How?”
“Ever since I met you, I just view things so differently. You have had a really huge impact on my… my everything. My thoughts on life, love, family, God. You just, you’ve just changed me.”
I wasn’t sure if I should be offended, impressed, or flattered. I wasn’t any of the three. I think I was merely nervous as to where this was going. I didn’t want to be a part of this post coital confessional. I just wanted him to leave.
“You aren’t saying anything.” He sounded scared and didn’t look at me while he spoke.
“I’m sorry.” I nervously laughed. “I really didn’t mean to change you. Are you upset?”
He finally looked at me. His green eyes pierced the air between us as a very serious look came over his face. A full five seconds of awkward/nervous silence passed, which I’m pretty sure he intended to seem romantic and mysterious in. “I’m not upset. I’m happy. Thank you.” He kissed me in a way that you’d see in a movie that might make the stereotypical woman coo. Naturally, it had no such effect on me. “Thank you so much.”
Filed under: alcohol, change, cold, college, communication, complaints, culture, decisions, fire, friends, friendship, happiness, hindsight, homosexuality, honesty, hope, influential, life, love, misunderstanding, relationships, relfections, secret, thoughts, truth
It was a cold night, but to me the cold meant nothing. I was wearing your jacket and I had your arms around me. Even though I was shivering, I had consumed enough of your affection to keep me warm for the time being. We were outside surrounded by a fire and friendly conversation. We were on the edge of something wonderful and I knew that it would explode eventually, but in that moment it didn’t matter. In that moment I felt on top of the world.
As the night went on we went inside and it may seem fuzzy now, but I remember it being a good one. It was a good one right up until the moment someone brought up the unmentionable. I’m sure she was already on your mind but I was hoping that we could have perhaps spent one night together without her name being uttered. Naturally it was, and something that once belonged to her was given to you with the assumption that you’d see her soon. As it turned out, you would see a lot of her. My ignorance overcame me and I acted like it didn’t faze me. We went back outside with hopes to both physically and emotionally return to the place we were before the unmentionable was referenced.
I tried very hard not to let her ruin the night. I didn’t try as hard to not let her ruin the relationship. I started to go off into my own little world, as it seems I did rather frequently around you, and I stared into the fire. I watched the bright blue flames turn orange as they reached for the sky. I watched the wood fuel our warmth. I watched you. I watched you stare into the fire, undoubtedly thinking about her. I didn’t interrupt. If you were going to be thinking of her I didn’t want to be involved, so I didn’t interrupt and I didn’t interject. I didn’t do anything, in fact, I didn’t say a word. I watched you and I watched the fire, and I watched you throw her belonging into the fire. You tore it up, piece by piece, and placed it into the fire. I watched you laugh as you asked people to take pictures of you burning something that she once loved. I watched and listened to you say hurtful things and exchange harsh words about her with your friends. I watched you lie to everyone about your feelings. I watched with condescending disappointment that I was glad you didn’t pick up on. You laughed and so did everyone else. You laughed at her and you laughed with a vengeance. I didn’t laugh because I didn’t find it funny. I relocated. I felt disgusted as I watched you transform from something that kept me warm into something that make a feeling of cold run down my spine.
It was a cold night, but to me the cold meant nothing. Now the coldness means everything. I should have known better.
Filed under: college, communication, culture, decisions, friends, friendship, happiness, honesty, hope, life, love, lust, relationships, secret, thoughts, truth
“What are you looking for?” He had to yell to be heard.
“Looking for?” I was at a strip club. More than anything, I was looking to make sure an old pervert wasn’t going to touch me.
“Yeah… between us. I mean are you looking for love, or just a one night thing?”
I laughed and told him I wasn’t looking for either of those things. I wasn’t looking for anything at all. The things that are worth looking for are the ones that will fall into your lap when you least expect it. I assumed he would have known as much.
“I’m looking to have a good time.” I smiled and he mirrored my actions.
“I think we’ll get along quite well then.” He walked me out and we said goodnight.
Filed under: college, communication, complaints, decisions, friends, friendship, happiness, honesty, hope, life, love, lust, relationships, thoughts, truth
I’m dating a more intense version of
Myself.
She is everything I am
Times two.
Every compliment
You might give me
Every complaint
You might throw my way
You’d present to her
Twice as often.
She likes music two times
More than I do.
She is twice as involved with her
Family as I am with mine.
Her good manners are two times
More present than mine usually are.
She’s got double the
Friends I do.
And her eyes,
They’re twice as beautiful.
Her ego is twice as
High
(With double the reasons
It shouldn’t be)
She laughs real hard
Twice as loud and
Twice as often.
She thinks with her heart
Twice as much as I
And hurts double the amount
Of people because of it.
She drinks twice as often
She’s two times more immature
With twice the inconsideration
And happiness
As I.
If pain is a part of life
You make me feel more
Alive than anything else right now.
But when you want to show
Just how much you care
And kiss me in the most public of styles
I forget
At twice the speed of light
Just how alive you make me feel.
Filed under: decisions, friends, friendship, happiness, honesty, hope, lent, life, love, lust, thoughts, truth
I’ve given up making bad decisions for lent. I’m giving up putting more into relationships than I get out of them. I’ve given up trying to be friends with people who don’t really care about me. I don’t believe in god, but I do believe in giving up bad habits. 40 days of positive energy. I think that’s something I could really use right now. I’m going to take advice from Kathryn the silhouette lady. She was so upbeat as she cut a side view of my face out of black paper. “Life is beautiful, honey, and don’t let anybody convince you otherwise. You have an amazing smile and I’d like to see you show it to me more often.” Alright Kathryn the silhouette lady, I’ll smile more… but only for you.
Filed under: college, communication, complaints, decisions, friends, friendship, happiness, honesty, influential, inspirational, life, love, lust, relationships, secret, thoughts, truth
Her name had an apostrophe in it. I should have known to run right then.
When I lay down in bed and smell my sheets, I think of you. I think of you because I was with you when we picked the scent that my sheets would give off. I think of you because you were the last person to sleep in my bed with me. Tonight will be the first time all semester that I will be sleeping alone for more than one night in a row. I guess that sounds bad, but it really isn’t. Trust me. It just means that I am loved and that, my friends, is a good feeling. It’s a good feeling, right up until the point that it is fatal. When it’s fatal, you’re fucked. A lot of people I know are being fucked right now, and I mean that in every way you can think.
This good feeling can force a normally rational human being to make decisions that they probably would not otherwise. They make decisions that they would advise others against making. They make decisions that let down their friends. What was once a good friend of mine is making such a decision right now. I’m watching her make decisions I know she, in her right mind, wouldn’t. I can’t help but feel bad for her. After all, I have made decisions induced by this good feeling in the recent past that has let down my friends. Being a normally balanced human being, they were expecting more from me and I let them down with my romantic selection. I’m not immune to this good feeling. I don’t think that anybody really is. I literally have nothing to combat it, but when I figure something out I’ll let you know.
I’m off to starfish out in my bed in celebration of the termination of my bad decisions. I’m sorry that I passed it on to you, but I don’t feel guilty anymore. Life is good and if you can’t see that, perhaps you should reevaluate your recent decisions.
Filed under: alcohol, college, communication, culture, friends, friendship, happiness, honesty, life, love, misunderstanding, relationships, secret, thoughts, truth
I was smashed when we met. It was ten o’clock, I was an hour late and already plastered. I was setting myself up for a remarkable night. It was the second of our bi-annual gathering in which we catch up on each others lives. We tell entertaining stories of the bad decisions we’ve made in the past few months, all while praising the other for the sexual encounters they’ve had since our last meeting. Without fail, we encourage the other to ‘keep up the good work’ even though neither of us really thinks that the work of the other, or of our own for that matter, is really good at all. We walk around town talking about things ranging from politics to the embarrassing incidents of our last reunion.
We drink, we laugh and we both secretly don’t ever want the night to end. There’s a point in the night where we falter to decide whether or not to take this to another level. I know he thinks about it and I wouldn’t normally admit it, but I do as well. Our inaction is always the course of action we choose, and I think we are so much better off because of it. My neutral demeanor keeps him from telling me too often how great of a time he has whenever we get together. When he slips up and the words dribble out of his mouth I realize how much I agree, and I unconvincingly nod. The next day, I always beat myself up for not expressing my agreement in a more believable manner. But when we say goodbye, every time, we promise to now allow another six months to pass for us to reunite. We promise that this won’t be a bi-annual thing and promise to take weekend trips to see the other. We hand out empty promises like promotional fliers and go our separate ways with high hopes of not being hung over the next day. I always am anyway. I can’t wait until July.
Filed under: thoughts
Any excuse is a good one to start over. I’m using the name of the current month as mine.
Commence.
