Filed under: thoughts
I’m a pretty passive person. When she yelled at me, belittled me, and told me to never speak to her again, I just said ‘okay’. When she threw something at me out of anger, I just stood there unresponsive. When I heard her yelling through the walls to the police on the phone, I didn’t get out of bed. When she stormed into the bedroom and cursed at me, I hardly turned my head. A lot can happen around me and I probably won’t elicit a response.
I’d like to imagine that I have enough self control to prevent myself from fighting back with those irrational enough to pick fights. I thought that I was a pretty calm person last night. I was brashly accosted by a few individuals and remained entirely mellow and placid. I was composed and balanced when you were not. I was unruffled up until the moment you raised your voice to her.
The second that your sharp words shot out of your mouth like arrows in her direction, my effortlessly beating heart began to pound. As I literally watched my chest shake with each heart beat I noticed my legs trembling with rage. I cut in and yelled at you. Calm no more, my voice quivered and the next thing I knew I was cursing and screaming like everyone else. I was up and on edge. Nobody should ever talk to her like that. I suddenly became very aware of my throat. My hands and legs were shaking. I got worked up and I yelled and I cursed at you and you somehow questioned why I defended her. “You two aren’t together”, you yelled at us as if it wasn’t something we had thought about the entire day before. I never get worked up like that for anybody, but I did for her. I defend her because I love her. How could anybody possibly not understand that at this point?
And now? Well now the weekend is coming to a close. I’ve ended several relationships in the past two days and only one of them I can’t seem to get out of my mind. Solely a single relationship that I have destroyed is affecting the simple things in my daily life. All I want to do is sleep and that is the last thing I can do. I couldn’t possibly care less about eating, getting out of bed, or doing school work.
I believe this is what they call karma.
Filed under: thoughts
Because we can go from fucking hard, to fucking hating each other in a matter of minutes.
I know I ended it all tonight and
Maybe if I wasn’t so nauseous I’d feel
Something
To write about.
But it’s over. All of it, a lot of it, a lot of things are over for me tonight.
Friendships, relationships,
Self destruction at its finest.
I wish I felt something more than full
Of liquor, lies, and empty otherwise
But I guess you can’t help it when it comes to cups and hearts.
I am tired of being dishonest
I am tired of withholding the truth
I am just so tired.
So I will end it all cut the ties with those containing lies
To start fresh with
Bad endings and beginnings that make you read until the purpose.
Filed under: thoughts
I go in for the kiss every time. And of course it’s only when my lips touch her skin do I realize that this is not what I should be doing. So I have two options at this point 1-follow through with the kiss or 2-just pull away and try to make it seem as if I was smelling her skin. Either option renders me looking like a fool. So I usually go for the third and trickier option, the silent kiss. I follow through with the kiss but do so in a very quiet manner as to make it seem like I just am resting my head on her shoulder, arm, back, or any other body part I may come in contact with. It never works. She always hears my kisses and says ‘we can’t do this’. I’m always sorry. I don’t mean to kiss her, it’s just instinctual at this point.
That scar on your stomach
Lets me know you’ve
Been places
But your eyes
Tell me that you’re here
To stay.
And your smile?
Well I could go on
About that for days
But suffice it to say
That there is no way
I could switch my gaze
From your legs
They give me hope
That you’d have the
Endurance to run away
With me.
But oh my god
When I look at your
Curves
While you teach
Shapes
I think you made this worth
My drive.
Filed under: happiness, life, love, relationships, relfections, thoughts, women
In a land of drifters I called myself stationary. I had a few hours before my flight was to take off so I found myself a quiet corner of the busy building and went through some old pictures on my computer. While listening to William Fitzsimmons describe his divorce, I thought of my various separations and watched the girls that were involved dance across the computer screen. What have I gained? It was one of those moments, the kind where you think back over the past year and can only curse because you are in amazement of how vastly different you life is now. Yeah I was caught in one of those at ten am on a Friday morning on the dirty carpet of Tampa International.
So I watched TV online. As if TV wasn’t everywhere you looked already, we can now watch television shows on the Internet and submerge ourselves even deeper into this murky media ocean where I’ve watched many of my peers drown. Not one to be left out, I watched a show and forgot about my previous thoughts. Now I am not sure if I pained the picture exactly accurate earlier when I said I was on the floor in a quiet corner of the airport. I walked to the completely desolate opposite side of the airport where nobody was to be seen. The carpet clearly hadn’t been vacuumed in days and there were crumbs embedded within. There were chairs in one corner and an outlet on the other. I sat by the outlet and plugged my brain in.
My mind wandered as I watched the travelers hurry and bump into one another using their tardiness as an excuse for rude behavior. “Final boarding call for flight…” And they moved even quicker. One woman seemed particularly frantic, as if she needed to get on her flight to save her life but didn’t know exactly how to get on the plane. She was squawking at many airport workers, and wandering about like a chicken without its head. Another woman, presumably the chicken lady’s friend, stood in a swamp of luggage. Small bags, tall bags, big and fat bags- between these two women there must have been 6 suitcases, 2 purses, and 2 canvas bags a piece. Finally, the chicken lady consulted with her blasé blonde friend and it seemed evident that they had missed their flight. They went to the bar.
Shot after shot, these girls were acting like their watches said pm and not am. The blonde laughed at the chicken lady as she did embarrassing things to the waiter that clearly made him very uncomfortable. These women were wasted by 11am. Finally they got cut off and, of course, stumbled down my way. They laughed and yelled and every time one of them said ‘I can’t believe we missed our flight’, the other would reply, ‘I can’t believe we got cut off at the bar!’ The chicken lady spotted another man she wanted to hit on. Only after much persuasion from the blonde, the chicken lady decided to go talk to the poor lone traveler.
As the chicken pecked her way over to the man I let out a slightly audible giggle that gave away my presence. The blonde looked at me and laughed back. She got up and came over to my dirty section of carpet, only stumbling once. She told me how was supposed to be on a flight to San Francisco with a layover in Dallas and now is “screwed but too drunk to care, honestly” she claimed with a twang. She wanted to get to San Francisco to see her grandmother who she said was the cutest old lady you might ever meet. My love for the cute and elderly led to further conversation.
I kept looking at her and smiling, grinning, smirking even to the point of discomfort. “Why do you keep smiling like that?” “Oh…I’m really sorry you just remind me of someone I used to be good friends with.” “Well she must have been damn cool to be like me,” she boasted. I laughed and agreed that she was indeed ‘damn cool’. She cut me off- “MAN! I want pizza!!” You’ve gotta be kidding me. “That’s the weirdest thing because the girl that you remind me of would always get pizza with me when we hung out.” “That is pretty weird,” she stated as she watched her friend the chicken lady come back with the man. “Hey y’all” the blonde exclaimed to her friend and the man. I told her that I had to go in that exact instant to catch my flight because if one more freakish similarity came from this woman I might have freaked out right then and there on the dirty carpet of Tampa International Airport.
