Filed under: change, decisions, hindsight, life, love, relationships, thoughts, women
It’s all fluid. Our thoughts, feelings, sexuality, emotions, and most importantly in this story, gender.
He has a girlfriend. End of story, final punctuation mark, close the book- this man has a girlfriend and if you watched our interaction you’d think it was me. It was me. His new girlfriend is someone I cared about and often I feel guilty when I realize how much we flirt. When I realize he still has feelings for me and touches me in ways that I know she’d be uncomfortable with, I feel bad for the new girlfriend. When we hug hello he adjusts his head so the space between his nose and chin can graze my neck. I then listen to him inhale my epithelium as we often did when together. When we hug goodbye he holds on like this hug could very well be our last. I then feel him grab at my clothes like it’d make the hug mean more. I feel culpable when he makes advances that scream intimacy. I’d have killed him if he had done this to another girl while we were together- but when I think about it, he did. I’d normally be an advocate for recycling but in this case it just seems cruel.
I confessed my guilt to him one day. He couldn’t seem to comprehend. I told him that I felt bad for flirting with him when his girlfriend used to be a friend of mine. He told me not to worry about it because she didn’t seem to care about me when she made a move on him, so why should i? I’m not interested in playing that game. Anyone with logic like that doesn’t deserve the attention of one girl, let alone two. Following that, I made a deal with myself. Every time I speak to him from now on I owe five dollars to an organization that I greatly dislike. It is hoped that through this the both of us will be able to move on. If it doesn’t help us move on I can at least guarantee you that the NRA will not be monetarily supported by Jeanine Foley, no matter what.
Tonight I know she won’t be sleeping alone. She’ll be bit, licked, kissed, and wrapped up until she finally passes out. She’ll whisper ‘I love you too baby’ and they’ll enjoy their shared apartment. I’ll be sleeping. She’ll pretend to forget my name and she’ll try not to check up on me. She’ll go back acting like nothing has changed. I’ll pretend to forget my name and I’ll try not to check up on me either. I’ll go back to acting like nothing has changed. She’ll fake that she’s ok and so will I. We’ll play this game of charades until on a particularly lonely moment we’ll go out of our way to see what is new with the other. We’ll likely be either disappointed or hurt and regret straying from the beaten path. We’ll promise ourselves not to do it ever again, or in the very least not for a little while as to prevent ourselves from appearing obsessive. Obsessive, the way she described the manner in which she checks this website.
Or maybe we’ll play this game of charades until on an exceptionally hysterical night I’ll call her because I know she will be one of the few people that are guaranteed to make me feel better when I’m down. I’ll come home from crying over someone that isn’t worth of my tears and she will convince me that that’s true. She’ll leave the bedroom with her girlfriend to comfort me, when I deserve so much less than that. She’ll leave her girlfriend to make me stop crying about someone who has made her cry.
We’ve been trying to forget and move on for months now. It hasn’t worked. Whether that’s entirely my fault or not I’m not so sure, but I’m willing to take the blame because, inside and out, she’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with.
Filed under: friends, friendship, life, love, relationships, thoughts, women
Today was bad but I know that tomorrow will only be so much worse. I’m exhausted but refuse to let myself sleep for fear of waking up tomorrow and this not having been a dream.
What did I ever do to you to deserve this? I feel live I’ve been here before. Maybe it’s because I have. I just don’t know who to trust anymore. Please tell me that this is all just a bad dream.
